A Lesson in Projection and Projective Identification
Have you ever received criticism, judgment, or disapproval from someone that caused you to spiral and reevaluate your sense of self or identity? Most of us have, and it's generally a burdensome position to be in.
Self-reflective questions surrounding your character, and values will begin to emerge. In many cases, we may come to the conclusion that whoever delivered their critique was speaking the truth and had our best interests at heart.
In these scenarios, you reevaluate ways to move forward, request feedback, and monitor your progress until you've built more confidence surrounding the positive changes you've made in your life. After all, many of you are trying to self-improve and optimize your functionality as a friend, partner, community member, worker, or citizen.
In other cases, though, you may find that you don't agree with the critique at all. In fact, the comment seems to grind against your self-conception that you obsessively ponder why someone would say such a thing to begin with. You're not alone.
As a psychotherapist, I've seen many people come to my office with similar dilemmas. Many of my clients have come to see me, downtrodden, wondering where they could have gone so wrong to receive such harsh words about their being. Once I've assessed further, determining that the critique does not align with who they believe their character to be, I psychoeducate them on the concept of projective identification.
Prior to defining projective identification, we must first understand the term projection. The human mind, much like the body, does not like when it is subject to pain. Due to this intolerance, the mind has developed psychological defense mechanisms, warding off any thoughts that may evoke emotional distress.
While there are many different types of defense mechanisms, projection is perhaps the one that inflicts the most collateral damage. When someone is projecting, they are denying their inadequacies, failings, and other negative emotions and parts of the self and displacing them onto someone else.
For example: let's say that David forgets to submit an important document at work, despite receiving explicit instructions to do so. As far as he knows, he's done everything that he needed to do in order to function in his role as dictated by his boss. However, one day his boss calls him into his office and states that a vital document was not submitted, to which David responds by angrily declaring, "I do my job! You just need to work on your communication skills because you never relayed this task to me". Most of us would never speak to our boss this way (except maybe in our fantasies) but indulge me in what may seem like an extreme example. David was forgetful and felt ashamed that he did not do his work. Still, instead of admitting his imperfection and attempting to rectify the situation, he projects his shame onto his boss, accusing him of being the one who did not do their job.
This now brings us to the explanation of projective identification. It is practically exactly how it sounds. Projective identification is when someone has been projected onto, and they internalize those qualities believing them to be truthful. In lamens terms, this means that the judgments, negative feelings, or deficiencies that someone cannot accept themselves are then blamed onto another person, who, in turn, gives credence to those statements.
In the example that was being used prior, let's say David's boss, even though he provided David with specific and well-communicated instructions, decides that David must be telling the truth and that they do indeed need to work on their communication skills.
You may be able to recount instances where you may have identified with someone else's projection. And if nothing is ringing any bells for you, then I challenge you to consider projection synonymous with a more colloquial term, gaslighting, and projective identification being synonymous with being gaslit. While the meanings are basically the same, I've found that many seldom understand their definitions. In many instances, it's become apparent to me that those who most frequently accuse others of being gaslighters are, often but not always, themselves gaslighters.
Confused? Let me explain: labeling someone else as being a gaslighter can be a form of projection. Suppose you've received criticism or feedback that is true about you, but you refuse to accept it as true because you are unwilling to confront feelings of guilt or shame. In that case, it is very possible that you could accuse another person of gaslighting you.
Unfortunately, there are no quick fixes or easy solutions. The blame game continues if you question the validity of someone being gaslit, as that then makes you a victim blamer (also difficult to determine this accusation as truthful or a form of projection).
What we can do is ultimately quite challenging; we must learn to be more healthily skeptical of our own thoughts as well as the positions that others hold.
If your first inclination is to blame someone else for wrongdoing, it might serve you well to question and dissect your argument. It is essential to know that you and everyone else you know are fallible to cognitive distortions, otherwise known as errors in thinking. Some of these distortions include cognitive dissonance, which is the state of having inconsistent thoughts, feelings, attitudes, values, and beliefs.
Another cognitive distortion is the myside bias which is when people have the proclivity to evaluate and generate evidence and test their hypotheses in a way that is biased toward their prior opinions and other preconceptions. Lastly, it is important to recognize that you have a reluctance toward suffering. Receiving any type of feedback that you are unconscious of often will come to you as a shock and can trigger psychological defense mechanisms. Suppose you're unwilling to first acknowledge that what you're hearing is painful. In that case, it may be fair to say that you may be jumping too quickly toward denial.
On the other end of the spectrum, if your first inclination is to accept the criticisms of others with no semblance of scrutiny, then it might serve you well to ask more questions. Requesting another person to provide you with, at a minimum, three prior examples of you engaging in the behavior you're being accused of may be a good modus operandi before recklessly agreeing with definitive statements that assault the integrity of your character.
Should the request be denied or responded to with exasperated frustration, I would let the other party know that you're just trying to understand better how you're apparently behaving so that you can move forward, making the adequate changes that need to occur. Some may be able to provide you with anecdotal evidence, and some may stand down, or worse, become irate. Should you receive befuddlement, avoidance, or anger, I suspect it is safe to say that this person is projecting, unable to fathom the true depth of their emotional core.
At the end of the day, what's seemingly the most critical takeaway is in the act of determining what your responsibility is. Should you own your uncomfortable feelings or your criticized behaviors? A willingness to negotiate as opposed to getting caught in dominant/submissive power dynamics is something to keep in mind.
If you're caught in any of these powerful or powerless positions, then there is some obvious work that needs to be done. This goes for many types of relationships, whether that be romantic partners, boss/employee, interacting with members of your community, friendships, and adult child/parent (parents are responsible for keeping younger children safe. Should a parent strip a child entirely of their autonomy, then this has more significant implications, as family therapy may be necessary.)
If there is any closing advice that I can provide, it would be this: pay attention to your personality. Are you more agreeable or disagreeable? Do you tend to go along with others, or do you challenge people when you don't see eye to eye? Depending on your response, I encourage you to push yourself in the opposite direction of the spectrum; you may be able to meet someone in the middle that way.
References
Pinker, S. (2021). What’s wrong with people? In Rationality: What it is, why it seems scarce, why it matters. NY, NY: Viking, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC.