Desire In Relationships
If you're currently in a relationship or were previously, you already know that desire may wax and wane. There are periods where we long to be closer to our respective romantic partners and other periods where we distance ourselves or (perhaps to an extreme) even long to flee.
In this article, I examine this oscillating phenomenon of wanting closeness at one moment to needing time apart at the next. As it is seldomly discussed openly, it may surprise you that this is a natural occurrence.
What you've been told about desire
"...and they lived happily ever after." It's the classic fairy tale ending that, regardless of how much one reminds themselves of its flawed idealism, is something that we have all internalized and exhibit difficulty in attempting to individuate ourselves from it.
The fairy tale/ideal love story ending is difficult to abandon because it gives us all something to strive toward as far as cultivating a better relationship. It's crucial to grow as a couple and individual, meaning finding new ways to care about your partner and seek in them their ability to enhance themselves.
But, this is precisely the issue. The fairy tale/ideal love story ending is something that doesn't call for any work on anyone's part. The insinuation is that the couple should never run into issues surrounding household chores, sexual boredom, the in-laws, spontaneity/conscientiousness, money, child-rearing, etc.
I've heard many of my clients convey their fears in desiring and mustering up the courage to request their partner to change. In order to have any semblance of a happily ever after scenario, change is vital.
Think of it this way: if you are unwilling to change, the world will change without you. This should scare the bejeezus out of any couple who've found excessive comfort in complacency.
At an individual level, change is necessary to adapt to an ever-changing environment. An inability or unwillingness to shake things up in your life can often lead to depressive symptoms; depression is a disorder of disproportionate rigidity.
Change certainly isn't easy, as all change involves sacrificing something that you relied upon in the past as a method of upkeeping psychological and lifestyle equilibrium, thereby allowing you to incorporate something new and life-enhancing. Change can also lead to a discrepancy between partners.
When one partner changes and another is unwilling to change, this can often fuel resentment and distancing behaviors from the partner who has made the said change. Mind you, for the purposes of this article, we are discussing change as something that is progressive as opposed to regressive.
Although one partner has changed, this can lead the opposite partner's levels of guilt to increase, stimulating a desire to take an interest in and attempt to learn from their better half. It's a fascinating dichotomy as one partner has gained new independence by making a positive change while the other has provoked a renewed sense of intrigue.
Should this look more akin to a dance, ideally, partners would take turns leading. At the time, the leading person boldly takes the other partner into the unknown, and then they switch roles for the sake of equality. It is a dance of intimacy and distance, discovery and complacency, independence and dependence.
In some way, shape, or form, all relationships will look like this at various points in time during their tenure. It is the necessary process by which relationships can survive, renewing curiosity and wondering amongst its willing participants. As it is naturally occurring and vital for future prosperity, the question then becomes: how do we lean into this phenomenon?
Understanding Independence
Each partner needs a sense of independence in the relationship. This often looks different for each individual. While all relationships thrive on their sense of dependence through partnership, relying solely on the partnership brings nothing new to the partners as there is no exploration externally.
In exploration of independence, it is vital to pursue the furtherment of individual identity; or self. Doing so allows you to understand your interests outside of the relationship better. By working to discover and cultivate these interests, you initiate change within the context of self and will likely pique your partner's curiosity.
Seeing how you have been exploring and pursuing enjoyment beyond the relationship, your partner will likely want to know what's been happening in your life. They will ask you questions, hold their attention while listening, and fascinate themselves with the world that exists beyond their own. This is how desire is born.
Think back to when you first started dating your partner; you knew practically nothing about them. This is why we date to begin with, to get to know someone better, to find ourselves enchanted with their being. All in all, welcoming independence within the context of a relationship is to find ways to keep things intriguing between partners. It is how you continue to date into years of being with each other.
Coping with Change
Granted, this can create distance. We miss being with someone through distance and often through excessive closeness that we would like to escape. Relationships are cyclical in this regard.
To avoid resentment toward your partner for wanting to distance themselves, to discover independence yourself, you need to be able to do the same. Refusing to grow outside of the relationship is akin to refusing to grow inside the relationship. You are not allowing the same opportunity your partner is providing you; to get to know someone better in ways that you previously had not done before.
Often there is a fear that accompanies change, particularly in the context of relationships. The fear states that the relationship could end if you or your partner changes. This is perhaps the primary reason intense codependence develops; it is due to a fear of abandonment and losing one's self.
Understanding where this fear comes from is different for everyone, but generally, its wound runs somewhere in childhood experience; it is the first step in reaching toward resolve. If you can identify where it comes from, superb!
Identification will lend assistance to being able to rewrite the narratives formulated at that time so you may change the course of acting out in an insecure manner in the present. It can be helpful to see a psychotherapist specializing in narrative-focused therapy who can assist you in challenging these scrips.
Circumstantially, if you are unable to identify where it comes from, do not fret, write down your fears and engage in a belief replacement exercise:
Identify the thoughts that contribute to the belief that change in the relationship could lead to its demise.
Follow up these thoughts with a counter-argument for why this belief is not valid.
Under your counter-argument, formulate a new belief that is more conducive to allowing you to foresee a better future in the relationship.
Now, I realize that not all relationships or dynamics are healthy. If you engage in these exercises in an attempt to rationalize your flawed vision of ideal love; or rationalize reasons for staying with an abusive partner, I can guarantee that you will be creating more trouble for yourself further down the road. This actually brings me to our final point:
Acceptance
You must accept something vital to keep your desire for your partner alive in any relationship: all relationships end. This emotionally heavy and primarily existential point is a reminder meant to be kept cognizant as it will be helpful as a method to quell irrational fear.
Maybe you and your partner will blissfully age together and find ways to renew and replenish your love for one another; it's the ideal anyway, or perhaps you will hit a rough patch which will result in a parting of ways. Both of you will die at some point, and this major life event will not likely coincide. Encountering and cultivating meaning in one's life comes from this conscious and unconscious knowledge. Without meaning, we will have lived for nothing; nothing is devoid of value; value is a life force.
Knowing and accepting that all relationships end will assist in preventing you from attempting to flee tough conversations. Whenever someone avoids having a conversation with a partner that could potentially open a new wound or reopen an old one, it is usually due to the fear that the conversation could go so poorly that it could end in dissolution. While there is undoubtedly potential for this to occur, avoiding conflict now will likely result in crisis later.
When we accept that our relationship will end, whether it be in the near or distant future, we allow ourselves the freedom to express our desires, insecurities, and dreams with our partners. As stated earlier, assuming our partner is someone who is genuinely interested in us, they will likely be thrilled at the opportunity to get to know you at a deeper and more intimate level.
In conclusion, you will never be your partner, and your partner will never be you. The best that anyone in a romantic relationship can be to each other is close. Closeness is certainly not a bad place to be, particularly if you're fond of your partner.
And with this said, even closeness needs some room to breathe. Space creates desire, and desire can create space if you allow it.
References
Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. HarperCollins.