A Proposal For A New Era Of Etiquette
Many of you are gaining increased comfort to reenter the public after you've received full vaccination status or have been boosted, providing you peace of mind, knowing that there's a new variant making its way through the nation. As you begin to interact again, or perhaps many of you have already discovered, you may notice a distinct lack of manners amongst some, several, or many of your compatriots.
It's no secret that crime has increased, airline passengers have become more unruly, vices have skyrocketed in usage among their dependents, and others are entirely oblivious to how their behaviors may be impacting those that are around them. This begs the following questions, how do we cope with behaviors we disagree with, and how do we improve society through new etiquette standards?
Let's begin with the question of how we cope. There's absolutely no possible way to live life without developing some form of depression or anxiety if you persistently focus on the perceived wrongdoings of your fellow community members. An optimal tolerance to bullshit is necessary.
If your attention is solely focused on what is lacking, then you risk not valuing what you already have. Seeing only the negative in people or systems without any pragmatism or nuance, that is, seeing the positives and understanding that some people are just having a bad day, will likely make you jaded and cynical.
A life without things to be grateful for is a life that is largely unfulfilling and risks a passive sense of meaninglessness. So, with this said, it is perhaps best to consider how others' behaviors have a direct impact on you.
For example, a self-proclaimed doomsday prophet yelling on the other side of the street or encountering an opinion you disagree with on a social media platform probably won't directly impact you. You're going to come across people who you disagree with but can allow them to be, notably if their perceived menacing acts do not cause you any physical, emotional, or experiential harm.
If you find any of these scenarios emotionally harmful, I would then argue that you may have some work to do with regard to conviction in your opposing viewpoint(s) and possibly working against internalizing the projections of others.
Examples of behaviors that may have more of a direct impact on you: someone sitting in front of you at the movie theater is using their phone, and due to the screen's brightness, it is distracting you from focusing on the film. Another example: you're in a restaurant with your partner sharing an intimate meal, but someone two tables over are belligerently speaking at a volume that causes everyone else in the restaurant to raise their speaking voices as well. Last example: you have a neighbor who, without prior notification, throws parties in the middle of the workweek, which lasts until 5 AM.
The question then becomes about how you can handle these types of scenarios. Perhaps the best way to consider this question is to ask another question: how would you want to be informed if you were the transgressor?
If we are to answer the question honestly, most of us would prefer not to be berated, shamed, yelled at, or be informed in a passive-aggressive manner. The majority of us would like to be treated kindly, not to be subject to ridicule or public shaming, to be offered an opportunity to correct our ways. The answer to addressing these transgressions, at least initially, is to be gentle.
Approaching someone in a gentle manner means softening your tone, acknowledging that you may be interrupting them with your request, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and stating your request or offering a non-aggressive solution that conveys your desire. Often you will find that people are quite receptive to these types of approaches primarily because you're communicating in a way that is not only assertive of your needs (and perhaps the needs of others) but also caringly.
Remember, we don't all change overnight; some may need an extra, albeit kind, reminder.
Once in a while, you may have a deviant on your hands, someone who prefers not to adapt to the accepted standards or mores of the setting where the boorishness is taking place. In these types of situations, I believe that it is perfectly acceptable to convey your frustrations without losing your proverbial cool.
Let the individual(s) know that their behaviors are unacceptable, disruptive, and representative of a lack of maturity. The likelihood, at this point, of them caring about your complaints will often be slim to none. When this happens, you have a choice; you can leave (but only after you have vocalized your dissatisfaction as unexpressed anger has lingering psychological consequences), or you can recruit help (reaching out to fellow patrons who have also had enough or staff who can reprimand or eject them from the establishment).
We can't always get our way, but we can always stand up for what we believe in. If we do not stand up for values and beliefs, we risk a betrayal of conscience, resulting in crippling guilt and long-lasting grievance.
Rome wasn't built in a day. If we collectively forego standing up for what we believe to be accurate and suitable, then we fail to participate in and have hope for a more sophisticated and evolved society.
This, however, comes with an important caveat:
Beware of becoming the beast that you seek to tame; or,
"Check yo' self before you wreck yo' self;" or,
Make sure you are not wrong before asking others to change.
Perhaps this is easier said than done, as all of us are susceptible to misinformation and tend to live in denial of difficult or painful psychological truths, but questioning our own beliefs and allowing them to be subject to the gauntlet of others' perspectives on a semi-regular basis is crucial as it ensures that we are either on target or we can make adjustments when need be.
In the end, this comes with a special recognition; you are just as capable of becoming the transgressor. So beware of being high and mighty. Remember, Icarus flew too close to the sun and experienced a devastating fall from grace.