Anger Management

Anger is an emotion that is seemingly so instantaneous that we rarely see it coming. When it does arrive, though, we may be quick to dismiss ownership of our anger.

A typical response when someone observes us becoming enraged is "I'm not angry; I'm just upset" or ignoring the observation entirely and stating, "that fucking moron did [insert perceived slight here]." Seldom is our response, "you know, I am angry," meaning that you're acknowledging your present emotional state. This week's article is about where anger comes from, how we can become more mindful of it, where and when we can utilize it, and ultimately, how we can reduce the sensation. 

Evolutionarily speaking, anger has its place. Back in cave-dwelling days, rage served a distinct purpose: survival. Should a predator threaten you or a loved one, anger allows you to become threatening, resulting in, hopefully, protecting yourself or another member of your tribe. Contextually, this is an apt reaction to have. No one would bat an eye if a sabertooth tiger entered your den, licking its chops while staring intensely at his next meal; meanwhile, you're eyes are livid, chest-puffing profusely, yelling at the top of your lungs, and scurrying about looking for a weapon for protection. These types of situations, fortunately, have come to pass. 

Flash forward to the present day, anger still serves the same purpose; however, the circumstances are no longer life or death. Anger is the mask the vulnerability wears. 

It is employed to prevent us from getting in touch with deeper emotions and thoughts that are usually psychologically distressing at a subconscious level. For example: let's say someone cuts you off in traffic, and from behind your wheel, you begin to curse them for being so careless. The threat is not necessarily life or death in this situation. Yes, car accidents are scary, but statistically speaking, they are almost always survivable and result in, if at all any, minor injuries. 

"So what is the threat" you may be asking. The threat that you have masked through anger is perhaps more egotistic. Maybe they did not regard you leaving you to feel invisible. Underlying that anger is a profound sense of sadness, possibly stemming from a moment in childhood when you felt particularly isolated. 

Another example: you're eating dinner with your romantic partner. While talking about the difficulties they experienced with their boss that day, you begin to recognize a growing irritation that develops into you angrily telling them they should just quit their job. Your partner, quick to respond, states, "that's not the answer," and sooner than you realize, a fight has developed. Where did the conversation go wrong? Likely your ability to empathize with your partner left you feeling helpless as you latently discovered that you could do nothing to take away their pain. You still tried anyway, failing to validate their feelings and offering a lackadaisical and unhelpful solution.

Anger is often not what it appears to be. The manifestation of anger usually stems from a place that has nothing to do with your physical survival or well-being and, more often, is connected to an underlying emotional need. 

Recognizing anger as a surface-level emotion that has subconscious origins is the first step toward working through such a troubling state of being. If you can do the deeper work, you may be able to overcome the strong urge to make a rude remark, yell, or clench your fists. Acknowledging the anger and then asking ourselves about its deeper origin can usually provide a quick fix. Most of us have difficulty with this, though. 

More often is the case that anger leads us into a position of regret, wishing we had reacted differently; or, worse, you remain angry for an extended period of time, unable to cool down and forgetting entirely what provoked such a visceral reaction. 

If you've been in a position of regret before and continue to find yourself running to this proverbial burning building, then may I recommend sublimation. What is sublimation? It is a psychological defense mechanism that allows us to take inappropriate urges and express them prosocially. Lifting weights, going for a walk, punching a pillow, playing a violent video game, masturbating, painting/drawing, or chopping wood are all examples of isolated activities that can allow you to project your anger into an action that will hopefully result in blowing off some steam. You can be productive with your anger instead of wasting valuable time by picking up the pieces of an outburst that caused more damage than good. 

In conclusion, it's important to remember that your anger tells you something about yourself more than a situation or another person is informing you of something. Suppose you cannot decipher the message within. In that case, I recommend finding a healthy activity, something that you can do on your own, that will assist you in expressing the anger so that the noise is cleared in your mind and you may arrive at a more perspicacious conclusion. 

Own your anger without turning it inward; redirecting it toward yourself. It is your responsibility to confront and overcome this intense state; recipients of your anger (other than your therapist) can be collateral damage in the wake.