Taoism in Relationships
Taoism (also recognized as Daoism) is the Ancient Chinese philosophy of duality. It emphasizes harmony in the presence of opposites, resulting in a sense of unity and oneness that ultimately provides guidance in your journey through life.
Believed to be a contemporary of Confucius, Lao Tzu allegedly founded this philosophy (there is debate regarding his existence, it is possible that Lao Tzu was a pseudonym in which many writers took form) sometime during the 4th century BCE (Before the Common Era). Lao Tzu is given credit for writing the Tao Te Ching, which provided guidance for those looking to embrace the ever-changing current of nature, the paradox of acting with purpose and waiting with the intention to receive, and striving for virtue in the process. Perhaps the most common Taoist text you may have heard of is the I-Ching (The Book of Changes). In this article, I discuss the philosophical principles of Taoism and apply them to relations, whether they exist in romantic or more platonic forms.
As a Denver therapist, I've often heard the lamentation of wishing that someone's partner, family members, friends, or work colleague were more like them. As if this was the solution to the suffering that underlies disagreement, feeling unheard, and having differences in opinion or interest. While I won't deny the pain of such inevitable moments in any human being's life, I do think that there are more richly fulfilling ways to cope effectively and navigate such frustrating scenarios.
Taoism is often represented through the symbol of yin and yang. You've probably seen it drawn on someone's trapper keeper, in the form of a washed-out tattoo, or on a poster surrounded by tye-dye psychedelic patterns plastered on the walls of your nearest dispensary. I acknowledge that this symbol seemingly has the propensity to physically reveal itself often in areas that might be perceived as a bit trite. While this may be the case, I encourage you not to dismiss the beauty of the true meaning behind its presence.
Yin is considered to be negative, passive, and feminine in the black half of the symbol representing dualism. Before I describe yang, I recognize that seeing the words "negative" and "passive" accompanying the word "feminine" may evoke some adverse reactions.
It's best not to think of the word "negative" as something tied to emotions or morals/ethics (which I suspect often occurs). Instead, think of the word "negative" in the context of the northern polarity of a magnet or the negative charge of an electron in the molecular composition of an atom. Yin's negative characteristic has little to do with malevolence and more to do with a principle that has been labeled as such to distinguish it from its counter element.
In addition, passivity is not to be equated with submissiveness. Think of the passive principle of yin to mean acceptance and receptivity.
On the other hand, yang is the white half of the symbol representing, you guessed it, positive, active, and masculine features. Unchecked, yang is associated with oppressive order and rigidity. In addition, yin, without inhibition, is related to unstructured chaos.
A holistic look at the symbol provides that yin and yang interact and impact each other. Yin prevents and protects yang from tyranny while yang provides structure and shape to yin, hence the tiny circle of white or black in the oppositive halves. They have a benevolent influence over each other, and when working together, they can prevent the extremism of the sole operation of either or.
Interestingly enough, Carl Jung, while not using the same vernacular that I'm using above, discussed the masculine and feminine unconscious. The masculine unconscious elements that lay dormant in someone who identifies as a woman is known as the animus. In contrast, the feminine unconscious elements that lay dormant in someone who identifies as a man is known as the anima.
Needless to say, should we identify more with yin or yang, there is an opposing, unconscious force that exists within us. This goes to show that the philosophy has integrated its ways into how, per Jung, the human psyche is understood.
Knowing that there is a tiny bit of yin (anima) or yang (animus) that exists within you, it can be easier to recognize the difficulty we have with connecting to others, mainly when it appears that the other person is not listening to you or you don't feel like you're being heard.
This doesn't have to come down to masculine or feminine or male or female. I'm not solely referring to the battle of the sexes. This concept often crosses the threshold of gender identity, though it is usually understood more feasibly in that context.
My suggestion is if you are struggling to connect to someone or get your point across, try to connect to the unconscious part of yourself instead. Look inwardly and ask yourself about the more subdued, dormant, yin (feminine) or yang (masculine) characteristics that exist but aren't conspicuous in your communication. Often our ability to connect with others is contingent on our ability to communicate with our whole self.
Next, consider what may need to be sacrificed in order to convey your message. Do you need to temporarily give up on being demanding, accepting, assertive, passive, independent, collaborative, cerebral, emotional, dominating, submissive, concrete, abstract, etc.? What are the most apparent traits that need to be subdued to allow its opposite trait to emerge?
Don't just require this of yourself. Ask whoever it is that you're trying to communicate with to engage in the exercise with you. You're helping yourself, and the other party collaborate and take responsibility for seeking out what it means to be connected with every aspect of you, even with what's unconscious.
In taking these steps, you and your partner, colleague, friend, and/or family member are embarking on a process to achieve a sense of balance. Balance in Taoism is an attempt to walk that middle line between yin and yang as opposed to scurrying off into the distant, opposite edges. Taoism is about understanding that opposing forces add to a sense of wholeness.
You're more likely to comprehend the dispute through a sense of wholeness, making you more equipped to work toward its resolution. Think of future communication challenges less as me vs. them; instead, see it as me vs. myself. Encourage your companion to do the same.
References
Jung, C. G. (1966). Anima and Animus. In Two Essays On Analytical Psychology (2nd ed., Vol. 7, The Collected Works, pp. 188-211). Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press.
Sun, K. (2009). Using Taoist Principle of the Unity of Opposites to Explain Conflict and Peace. The Humanistic Psychologist, 271-286. doi:10.1080/08873260903113477