The Unintentional Deliverance Of Forgiveness
You have weathered many storms throughout the course of your journey. Oftentimes, due to the harsh conditions of such storms, you develop new strategies so you may either endure or avoid the likelihood of the tumultuous weather's return.
These strategies act as defenses, which can often be both helpful and inhibitory. Something to remember in these scenarios is that storms are necessary, and they always pass. Intentional or unintentional, it is crucial to forgive current or past transgressions so that you may heal and become free of the binds of which you may not have awareness.
It is undoubtedly difficult when you find yourself in a scenario where another, whether it be a family member, friend, romantic or sexual partner, or perhaps a co-worker, begins to push your buttons or steps far beyond the proverbial line that you have drawn. Feelings of hurt, anger, frustration, sadness, or betrayal emerge to the point that you begin to formulate a strategy, so something of this nature never occurs again.
It's easy to be avoidant as a general response. Avoidance may look like not responding to texts or emails, refusing to spend time with the culprit of your hurt, or, without the other person's awareness, walking away from the relationship entirely (permanently or temporarily). These reactions, particularly when responding to someone's first, second, or even third offense, might be more inhibitory than you anticipate.
Often when a stark reaction is your decision, there is no general feedback with regard to whether or not the plan has succeeded. Yes, you may have temporarily fixed the problem, but where does this leave the remainder of your connections? After all, nobody is perfect, not even you.
Through actions that involve avoidance, you may be putting walls between yourself and the remainder of your connections and community. Avoidance is an indication that the transgressor(s) have the power to strip you of your ability to trust, not only the transgressor themself but also future transgressors. So, you may ask, what's the solution?
I recommend three pathways: the first is acceptance, the second is confrontation, and regardless of whatever the result of the first two options are, you need to forgive. Acceptance involves the ability to ask yourself if the transgression was intentional. It also forces you to recognize that personality differences may be at play, which is neither wrong nor right; it is merely a misunderstanding that emerges from diversity. Suppose you can accept someone for who they are (or the situation for what it is). In that case, this ultimately helps alleviate any negative feelings.
Confrontation is not as violent as it sounds; at least it doesn't have to be. Confrontation involves:
Recognizing your emotions.
Conveying them to the transgressor with an understanding that you must be open to their response.
Seeking a mutually agreed-upon pathway forward.
Conflict resolution is a whole separate blog in itself.
Lastly is forgiveness, easier said than done. Forgiveness involves a willingness to make peace with the uncomfortable feelings you have encountered from an excursion and let them go. To let go of those feelings means to have fully processed them.
Upon processing these feelings and finally being able to forgive your transgressor, it often appears that weight lifts from your being. One's defensiveness vanishes in similar scenarios or around those who remind them of their hurt. The wounds of the past begin to heal.
Sometimes, however, there is one last person to absolve despite having forgiven others. This person is you. When you forgive others after holding onto negative feelings or a grudge for an extended period, it is not uncommon to encounter guilt (or guilt's uglier cousin shame) for not processing your pain earlier.
Accepting and respecting your process toward the forgiveness of others is perhaps the easiest way to bypass any remnant guilt. Forgiveness of others or self is transmogrifying, to say the very least. This is the unintentional deliverance of forgiveness, setting yourself free while making peace with others.