Asking For Help

In my experience, as a Denver psychotherapist, there is no topic that seems more challenging for someone to bring to the table than asking for help. The topic itself is nonspecific; although, it can involve an intense moment of insecurity prior to any bridging in one's knowledge gap. In many cases, you will wait until the very last second before it's too intolerable not to ask for help. Of course, after the proverbial Band-Aid has been ripped off, one feels a sense of cathartic relief. What is the meaning of this? In this week's blog, I explore why asking for help is so seemingly risky, taboo and what you can do about it in your own life.

First, let's explore the concept of cultural enforcement. When you are raised or live in a community, there is an expectation to adhere to norms by those around you. You will likely gain others' trust, acquire resources and goods, and reap other benefits of social interaction through your cooperation. Should you not cooperate with the culturally enforced norms, it is likely that you will experience alienation, loneliness and may be pinned as being an outcast. Now, let's consider this concept from a societal level. Looking specifically at American culture, American's pride themselves on a political philosophy known as individualism. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, individualism is defined as "the habit or principle of being independent and self-reliant." By this definition, we understand that one's culturally enforced sense of individualism does not permit one to receive assistance, and if one should deviate from this orientation, it may have grave consequences.

Seemingly paradoxically, when you do not ask for help, you are likely to feel a sense of alienation, isolation, and loneliness. At its worst, you begin to form false beliefs that you are alone in your predicament. Your perception is that refraining from asking allows you to hold onto a sense of pride and simultaneously prevents you from feeling ashamed. However, when you do not get the help that you need, goal achievement can feel dismal. It can promote negative self-talk such as "I am weak," "I'm inferior," or "I'm not intelligent." Shame finds a way to breakthrough your avoidance of asking to harass you while you struggle.

The truth is that your pride is perhaps your greatest strength and greatest hindrance. Pride in one's accomplishments is rarely a wrong position; however, when that same pride prevents you from reaching out when you need assistance, you're likely to run into trouble. Pride often prevents you from feeling shame, and it often prevents you from asking for help. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to ask for help does not negate past achievement. It also does not mean that receiving assistance proves some profound weakness or character deficit. In fact, you generally build strength through collaboration with others and a healthy recognition of your areas where you experience challenge most. Individualism is harmful in this regard as no one person is entirely self-sufficient. Everyone has to rely on someone or something, from time to time, to help them get the job done.

We seldom remember that there is a difference between individualism and being individualistic. While individualism implies independence and self-sufficiency, being individualistic means being unconventional, novel, and unique. It is crucial that these definitions are differentiated as they too often are confused as being one and the same. Being individualistic means you can ask for help in a culture that places value on individualism. It is a form of originality seldom expressed that allows you to achieve goals, obtain resources, and let's go of the more negative aspect of pride. The vulnerability that accompanies individuality is certainly intimidating; however, it promotes movement more than it promotes stagnation. Dare to be different; dare to ask, as you will likely receive.

References

Brown, B. (2019). Dare to lead: Brave work, tough conversations, whole hearts. New York: Random House Large Print Publishing.

Individualism: Definition of Individualism by Oxford Dictionary. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/individualism