Coming Out
Often the term “coming out” is applied when someone identifying as LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, or questioning) becomes open, honest, accepting, and extroverted with regard to their sexual orientation. It is generally considered a right of passage for this population, one that provides space to live increasingly authentically.
As a psychotherapist and as someone who identifies themselves along the LGBTQ spectrum, I can hopefully testify to this experience in two ways. The first is having gone through my own coming out experience concerning my sexual identity/orientation. The other is recognizing that coming out is not something that is exclusively experienced by an LGBTQ-identifying person.
When you come out, you are choosing to live a public version of yourself that you have seldom revealed to others. By this definition, coming out is a universal experience. I think all will increasingly universalize it as social, economic, and cultural norms return to order or come to fruition after this current reformation period.
Think of it this way; you’ve been locking yourself indoors for an extended period, growing increasingly desperate to live uninhibited in a freeing and liberating sense, longing for reclamation of seeking out life-affirming experiences. This description sounds like the malaise many people are feeling all over the globe due to the restrictive nature of living in the times of COVID-19.
For someone who is LGBTQ-identifying, this is either a daily reality or an uncomfortable walk down memory lane. Coming out of the closet is a step toward living more authentically. The closet is a visibly and emotionally dark place that can often feel shameful, stagnating, and demoralizing.
On the reverse, it likely provides safety and security, which is why many live closeted for years regardless of knowing that they have a truth that is screaming to be expressed.
Many, perhaps yourself included, have inhibited their will in some way during this period of global lockdown. Personality continues to develop over time regardless of whether you show this to others or keep it to yourself. The likelihood of restrictions being lifted and people engaging in the world in ways that feel vague or foreign, like a newborn emerging from the womb, is not farfetched.
Regardless of this newness, keep confidence in knowing that you will find a place of connection and belonging. Difficulties will be faced, but you can transcend them through your heroic rise to any obstacle.
With this being said, it provokes curiosity surrounding the best ways to allow oneself to emerge from the chrysalis, to come into being, to burst out of the proverbial closet. While I disagree with the notion that there is a singular best way to do so, I have provided some tips and ideas to keep cognizant, to be used at your leisure.
The first, I would say, is to be mindful of your vulnerable narcissism. No, I’m not saying that you are wholly a narcissistic being. Vulnerable narcissism, conceptually and situationally, is where you may try to protect yourself from negative feelings like shame and rejection when you feel particularly exposed.
It is a defensive reaction to either real or anticipatory threats to your ego. There is an intense vulnerability associated with living more authentically as you are uncertain if you will be accepted in all spaces or scenarios.
Wanting to protect yourself is not unusual, but it certainly can have unintended consequences. Blaming others for your mistakes or confusions and bullying others to hide your insecurities are prime examples. You may begin to form the belief that you are better than others, carrying a supercilious edge that you mistakenly believe protects you from rejection or shame when in reality, it prevents you from fully emerging from the closet.
Embrace the new awkwardness of you. Skinned knees, cut-up hands, and broken hearts have a tendency to heal.
Second, be mindful of extremes. Living with increasing openness offers a plethora of enchanting and jaw-dropping exposure to peak experiences translating into memories that can be fondly remembered further down the road.
Openness is a personality trait that can correlate with having a higher IQ, creativity, and exploration of new or novel ideas and experiences. In addition, openness, taken too far, is associated with psychosis, risky behavior, and feelings of loneliness or isolation. As with many things in life, it is crucial to find balance.
I’m not advising against taking risks; however, I would certainly be mindful of your wellbeing and the wellbeing of those with whom you surround yourself.
Lastly, any self-respecting LGBTQ member who has had any prolonged experience with living openly will tell you about the importance of acceptance. Believing that you should have come forth sooner with whatever was inside you is a denial of reality.
Things could not be different because they have already occurred. Increasing your ability to accept that the time you came out was precisely the right time is moving toward acceptance.
Too often do others project onto you what they believe should have been your best course of action. Recognizing that your experience is not their experience will be useful in being able to ward off naysayers who either intentionally or unintentionally negate your journey. Feeling that it is too late is a denial of the path that lies before you, as everything that comes next will be approached with apathy and discontent.
Did you struggle with this hidden part of yourself initially? Yes. Nothing that is earned is without its struggle. Remember that you’ve earned your right to be here.
References
Hall, K. (2012, July 08). Radical Acceptance. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/201207/radical-acceptance
Kaufman, S. B. (2020). Self-Esteem. Transcend: The new science of self-actualization (pp 54-80). New York: TarcherPerigee.
Miller, G. (2009). Openness. Spent: Sex, evolution, and consumer behavior (pp 207-224). New York: Penguin Group